Hi friend,
Are you the one who always reaches out first? Who wants to talk it through? Who shows up, every time, ready to do the work?
Here's something I want you to consider...
In a relationship where both people want to be there, there's usually one person who needs more space, and one who wants to work it out right now…
That's the anxious-avoidant dance. And everyone has a part to play in order to shift it.
The anxious person's role is to lean out a bit and give space.
The avoidant person's role is to extend and move toward.
And while this doesn't make you responsible for others, there are things you can do to bring your energy back to center and invite them to move toward you.
I’m not talking about playing games where you silently suffer inside and push it all down in hopes that they will change their mind about wanting to be in relationship, or become available when they’ve clearly demonstrated they aren’t.
Usually we’re drawn to our opposites, and that means how we cope with conflict too...
Notice the ways you may be subtly dismissing your partner’s experience and invalidating their need for space or time to process the conflict by assuming it’s because they aren’t conscious or “don’t want to show up”.
This isn’t to say that it’s always up to the anxious person, and I can already hear you saying “but why does it always have to be me, I’m so tired of this!?”
I hear you, but regardless of whether or not you want to stay in this relationship, ask yourself if the way you’re showing up now feels good for you?
If no, then:
Take your energy back.
See your partner’s withdrawal as a sign that they’re overwhelmed.
Notice the sensations in your body, what emotions come up?
Ask yourself if you’re trying to avoid the discomfort by chasing them for energy.
Sometimes the way to change the pattern is to loosen our grip and take the pressure off.
If they’re moving away, leaning in is only going to push them away further. You need to lean out, find a way to self-soothe and give them an opportunity to move toward you.
Overtime, the pattern will either change or it won’t, but most importantly you’ll be at home in yourself. 💕
Inside Today’s Newsletter:
🌕 Full Moon in Sagittarius Report: Make Room for a Bigger Truth
🕊️ From Instagram: On nature as medicine for relationship + loving someone who can't meet you.
✨ A Practice + Journaling Prompts: For coming home to yourself and softening the chase.
🌙 Check out our recent astrology report:
Full moon in Sagittarius: May 31, 2026
🕊️ The Latest Rising Woman Posts:
🌿 This Weeks Reflection
The moment you stop chasing is the moment you create the space for love to move toward you.
✨ Practice for the Week: Coming Home to Yourself
Set aside 15-20 minutes in a quiet space where you won't be interrupted. You can do this seated on the floor, in a chair, or lying down.
Step 1: Arrive
Close your eyes and take three slow, deep breaths. Let your exhale be longer than your inhale.
Feel the weight of your body where it meets the surface beneath you. Notice the points of contact, your feet, your seat, your back. Let yourself land here, in this moment, in this body.
Place one hand on your heart and one on your belly. Feel the warmth of your own touch.
Step 2: Locate the chase
Bring to mind a recent moment in your relationship when you felt the urge to pursue, to text, to fix, to bridge the distance, to make sure everything was okay.
Don't go into the story. Just remember the felt sense of that moment.
Where in your body did the urgency live? Was it a tightness in your chest? A buzzing in your hands? A pull in your throat or belly?
Place your hand on that part of your body. Breathe into it. Don't try to change it, just be with it.
Step 3: Listen to the chase
Bring your awareness to the part of you that wanted to chase, and gently inquire what it was afraid would happen if it didn't.
Listen for what arises. It might be a fear of abandonment, a fear of being forgotten, a fear of the silence meaning something terrible.
Whatever comes, let it be there. Let this part of you speak without rushing it along.
When it feels complete, offer a gesture of acknowledgment, a hand on the heart, a soft breath, or a nod. This part of you has been working hard to protect you for a long time.
Step 4: Lean out, physically
With your eyes still closed, imagine the energy you've been sending outward toward your partner. Picture it as light, threads, or a current of attention reaching out.
Take a slow inhale, and on the exhale, call that energy back to yourself. You can use a gesture if it helps, sweeping your hands toward your own body, or placing both palms back on your heart.
Continue breathing this way for several rounds, drawing your energy home with each exhale. Notice the shift as it returns. A softening. A settling. A quiet.
Step 5: Anchor in your own ground
Feel your body as a whole again. Notice what is different now compared to when you began.
Place your hands wherever feels most supportive. Take three slow breaths and let yourself feel the simple truth of being here, in your own body, with nothing to fix and no one to chase.
Let this feeling fill you. Let it become familiar. This is what coming home to yourself feels like.
Step 6: Integration
Slowly open your eyes. Take a moment before you move.
Find your journal and write down anything that came up. What did your body show you? What did the chase want you to know? What does it feel like to be at home in yourself?
Carry this felt sense with you. The next time you notice the urge to chase, return to your hand on your heart. Return to yourself first.
Journal Prompts
When conflict or distance arises in my relationship, what is my first instinct? Do I move toward, or do I pull away? Where did I learn this response?
When I find myself chasing my partner for connection or reassurance, what am I actually trying to soothe inside of myself? What feeling am I trying to avoid?
In what ways might I be subtly dismissing my partner's need for space or time to process? Where can I extend more grace to their way of moving through conflict?
How does it feel in my body when I take my energy back and return to myself? What changes when I stop trying to manage the connection?
What would it look like to be at home in myself, regardless of how my partner is showing up? What practices, people, or rituals help me return to that place?
Here's what I want you to remember:
Relationship patterns aren't a sign that something is broken. They're a sign that something is asking to be witnessed.
The anxious-avoidant dance lives in so many of us because it's familiar. It mirrors the earliest blueprints of love we received, the ways we learned to seek closeness or protect ourselves from it. When we begin to see these patterns clearly, we have a choice.
We can keep dancing the same dance, or we can change the rhythm.
Coming home to yourself asks for gentleness. It asks you to pause in the moments when you'd usually grasp, and inquire what you really need underneath the urgency.
Trust that when you tend to your own nervous system with care, you soften the urgency, settle the chase, and create more space for presence and intimacy in your relationship.
Sending you so much love,
Shay
P.S. If you're ready to experience relationships with more ease, freedom, and self-trust, Freedom From Relationship Anxiety is a 6-week journey designed to rewire anxious attachment patterns and heal the trust wound beneath them, so your body can learn what safety in love actually feels like.
If you feel the pull to build real inner security and transform your relationship patterns for good, you can get started here.