Hi friend,
If a pattern keeps repeating… this is an invitation to look inward.
It’s not enough to blame the pattern on whomever we’re engaging with and stop there.
We must look into how we might be contributing to the way things are unfolding.
This one’s not easy to digest. It’s hard to look at our role in the pattern. It’s uncomfortable to consider we may be contributing to unwanted outcomes in our lives - in our relationships, and to the world around us.
There’s always a lesson for us, but we have to be willing to take ownership if we want to break the pattern and truly move on to a new dynamic.
If we continuously allow people to cross our boundaries but then silently brim with resentment, we might want to look at our relationship to our anger.
Are we afraid of anger?
Do we shame other people for having anger, and hold ourselves to an impossible standard of never having or expressing it?
Do we believe that anger is “bad” or “not spiritual”?
If we always find ourselves as the caretaker, the strong one, the rescuer, we may want to look at our programming.
Do we believe we need to provide for and take care of others?
Do we make ourselves better than others, therefore putting them in a lesser spot where they “need” us?
Are we repeating patterns from childhood where we were parentified as kids?
Do we feel safer being in a power position, so much that we never allow ourselves to receive?
These aren’t easy things to look at, and it’s important to know that taking responsibility doesn’t mean you’re solely responsible for the pattern, or that the other person hasn’t contributed.
Some patterns take two, but if we really want out we have to be tired enough of our own inner B.S. to dig deep to do the work and unravel the stories underneath the surface.
Don’t worry about whether or not the other person is doing their shadow work or taking ownership for their part. That’s their work to do.
If you’re ready to make a change, bring it home and do the inner-work for yourself.
Inside Today’s Newsletter:
🕊️ From Instagram: To the writers and artists worried about AI.
🎙️ Podcast Episodes: Why you keep choosing the same painful relationship in love, with Dr. Neeta Bhushan + Healing & Relationships with The X Wives Lounge.
✨ A Practice + Journaling Prompts: For noticing where your patterns live in the body and exploring your part in what keeps repeating.
🔥 What’s New at Rising Woman
Something I've been dreaming about is finally here…
For the writers, aspiring authors, artists, and creatives who have always wanted to write a nonfiction book… this is for you.
I've partnered with my dear friend and NYT Bestselling Editor Eva Avery (the editor who helped me bring Becoming the One into the world) to bring you Becoming an Author, a 3-day live workshop happening June 25-27.
We'll be sharing the exact frameworks Eva uses with her $25k private clients to outline your chapters, get clear on who your book is for, choose the right publishing path, and write a compelling book proposal that gets agents and publishers excited to champion your work.
We'll also explore the inner side of writing a book… building trust in your voice, moving through self doubt, and finding joy in the creative process.
Early bird pricing is open now through June 18th. Join us and save $100 before the price goes up.
🎙️ Latest Podcast Interviews:
Why You Keep Choosing the Same Painful Relationship in Love on The Brave Table Podcast by Dr. Neeta Bhushan
The X Wives Lounge Podcast
Self-Abandonment, Healing & Relationships - Part 1
Are You Ready for a Relationship? - Part 2
🕊️ The Latest Rising Woman Post:
🌿 This Weeks Reflection
What if the pattern isn't happening to you, but for you? Every time it returns, it's pointing at the same place you haven't looked yet.
✨ Practice for the Week: Where the Pattern Lives in You
Patterns don't only live in our thoughts. They live in the body too, in the way we tense, brace, or shrink without realizing it. This practice helps you notice where your pattern shows up physically so you can start to work with it from a different place.
Set aside ten or fifteen minutes when you won't be interrupted.
Step 1: Settle Sit or lie down somewhere comfortable. Let your breath settle into its own rhythm before you begin.
Step 2: Bring the pattern to mind. Bring to mind a recent moment when your pattern showed up. Not the whole story, just one specific scene. The conversation, the room, the feeling of it. Let yourself be back there for a moment.
Step 3: Notice your body. Where do you feel this pattern? Maybe your chest tightens. Maybe your jaw clenches or your stomach drops. Maybe your shoulders creep up toward your ears. Wherever it lives, place a hand there and let it rest.
Step 4: Stay with the sensation. Stay with it without trying to fix it or push it away. Breathe into that part of your body. You might notice the feeling shift, intensify, or move. Let it do what it does.
Step 5: Ask. As you stay with it, ask yourself: what does this part of me want me to know? What is it protecting? You don't need an answer right away. Sometimes it comes later, in the shower or on a walk. Just ask and stay open.
Step 6: Come back to your space when you're ready, take a few slower breaths. Press your feet into the floor. Feel the support underneath you. Notice the room around you, the sounds, the light. Come all the way back before you get up.
Return to this practice more than once, because the body reveals things in layers, and what feels stuck one week can start to move the next.
Journal Prompts
What pattern keeps showing up in your relationships right now?
Think back to the earliest time you remember feeling this same way. How old were you? What was happening around you?
What role do you usually play when this dynamic shows up? The caretaker, the strong one, the one who keeps the peace, the one who shrinks. Write about how that role feels in your body.
Is there an emotion you've learned to push down to keep this pattern going? What were you taught about that emotion growing up?
If a close friend described this exact pattern to you, what would you gently point out to them that you can't quite see in yourself?
This work isn't a one-time thing. You'll find the root of a pattern, feel some relief, and then catch yourself in the same dynamic months later. That doesn't mean you failed. It usually means you're seeing a deeper layer of something you've carried for a long time.
Be patient with yourself 💕 You're undoing years of learned behavior, and that takes time. Some days you'll respond in a completely new way. Other days you'll slip back into the old groove. That back and forth is just what healing looks like.
What matters is that you keep coming back to yourself. You keep asking the honest questions. You stay curious about your part instead of looking away from it.
The work changes you slowly, in ways you might not notice until one day you respond differently and realize you're not the same person who started.
Sending love,
Shay
P.S. This slow work of returning to yourself is exactly why I wrote Becoming The One. Because the real shift in love starts when you bring your attention back to yourself.
In this book, I walk you through understanding your attachment patterns, tending to your nervous system, and ending the cycle of self abandonment, so you can show up to love from wholeness instead of fear.
If you're ready to come home to yourself in your relationships, you can get your copy of Becoming the One here.