Hi friend,
When we lean toward an ambivalent (anxious) attachment style, we might find ourselves blocking out loving gestures from our partner and holding onto the belief that they don't care about us.
It's called intimacy blocking.
I first learned about it in an attachment training with Dr. Diane Poole Heller, author of the Power of Attachment, and that those with anxious attachment have a tendency to do this.
It’s an adaptive survival response where we literally block out loving gestures or caring behaviours to the point where we can’t see love when it’s coming right at us.
Many ambivalent folks in relationship may feel incredibly unloved, unappreciated and uncared for even when their partner is making all sorts of loving gestures or showing them how much they care.
(Of course sometimes there really isn’t love coming at all, and there are partners who are unavailable or incapable of showing up in a caring way, but we’re not talking about that circumstance here.)
In many cases, we might have a nervous system foundation that says “I’m not loved, people don’t show up, nobody cares, I’m alone”, and that is all the nervous system can register.
An anxious attachment person may be convinced their partner doesn’t care and actually needs help seeing through the block.
The good news is you can heal and move toward secure if the relationship is actually a loving one. You can slowly move out of the past and into the present moment by noticing the ways your partner is showing you love and care.
Practice: Make a list of all of the loving gestures you receive from your partner, and a list of the caring behaviours your partner shows you.
If the mind wants to shut it down and say “there are no caring behaviours!”, take a breath and be with it for a moment.
What is scary about letting love in? Letting love in is vulnerable. It threatens survival. It’s not a normal experience for someone who didn’t get their needs met as a little one.
We all show love in different ways - the 5 love languages explains this beautifully. Look for ways you might be blocking intimacy or love if it doesn’t look a certain way.
You deserve to fully receive love. To feel it in your body. To relax into a relational field of safety and acceptance.
Keep going. We’re in this together. 💕
I've included a longer practice and a few journaling prompts further down to support you in letting love land in your body.
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🌿 This Weeks Reflection
Safety in love isn't something you arrive at all at once. It's built slowly, one received moment at a time, until your body starts to believe that the care reaching you is real and it's allowed to stay.
✨ Practice for the Week: Receiving Practice
This is a small way to let love land somewhere it usually gets blocked: your body. You can come back to it whenever receiving care feels hard, and a few minutes is enough.
If you'd like it a touch softer, here's an alternative:
The work of letting love in happens in the body, slowly and with practice. This is one gentle way to start, whenever you have a few quiet minutes to yourself.
Settle in. Find a position where the surface underneath you can do some of the holding. Sit back into a chair, lie down, or lean against a wall. Let your body work a little less hard.
Settle your breath. Take a few slow breaths and let your exhale be a little longer than your inhale. There's no rush. Let your body arrive in its own time.
Call in a moment. Bring to mind one time you felt cared for. Keep it small and real. Someone making you a meal, a hand on your back, a message saying they were thinking of you.
Notice what happens. As you hold the moment, feel what stirs inside you. Warmth, or tension and the urge to move past it. Both are welcome. If the block comes up, meet it with kindness. It learned to be there for a reason.
Let it reach further. If it feels okay, place a hand on your chest or belly. Stay with the cared-for moment for three more breaths and let it land a few degrees deeper than usual. That's enough.
Come back. Let the image go and feel your weight settling into whatever is holding you. Notice you're still here, and you're okay.
You can return to this any time love feels hard to take in. A few breaths is plenty. The body learns slowly, and every time you let a little more in, it remembers.
Journal Prompts
There's no need to answer all of these. Pick the one that pulls at you and start there. Take your time.
When you imagine fully receiving love from your partner, what happens in your body? Notice any tightening, bracing, or pulling away, and let yourself be curious about it rather than fixing it.
What did love look like for you as a little one? Where did you learn how available or reliable it was?
Think of a recent moment your partner showed you care. What did your mind do with it? Did you let it land, soften it, explain it away, or miss it entirely?
What story does your nervous system tell when you feel unloved? Write it out in its own words, the way it actually sounds inside you.
What feels risky about letting someone love you well? What might you have to give up or feel if you let it all the way in?
Where in your life do you already let love reach you with less resistance? A friend, a pet, your own child. What makes those moments feel safer?
If your guarded part could speak, what is it trying to protect you from? Thank it before you ask it to soften.
Healing intimacy blocking takes time. Your nervous system learned to protect you, and it won't release that protection all at once. Be patient with the part of you that struggles to let love in. It's been working hard to keep you safe for a long time.
As you move through your week, see if you can catch one small moment where love is reaching you. A text. A cup of tea made the way you like it. The way someone looks at you across the room. You don't have to make yourself feel anything. Just notice it's there.
The more you let yourself register these moments, the more your body learns that love is safe to receive.
You're allowed to be loved well. You're allowed to feel it.
Take it slow. We're in this together.
Love,
Shay 💕
P.S. If letting love in still feels hard, and the anxiety, self-doubt, and chasing have worn you down, Freedom From Relationship Anxiety is a 6-week journey designed to rewire anxious attachment patterns and heal the trust wound beneath them, so your body can learn what safety in love actually feels like.
If you want to build real inner security and transform your relationship patterns for good, get started here.