Hi friend,
If we're coming up against frustrating relationship patterns (again), it can be tempting to think finding a new partner is the answer...
But until we do the inner-work, all of our relationships will fall back into hauntingly similar patterns.
Transforming our relationship patterns is an inside job.
This doesn’t mean that it’s not ok to end a relationship if it’s unhealthy or not serving you.
However, far too many of us have been led to believe that our relationship frustrations are because we have the wrong partner. That if only we could find the “right one” all of our problems would be solved.
Regardless of whether a person could be a good match for you to go deep with or not, our patterns don’t simply disappear.
Instead they follow us into every relationship we find ourselves in and wreak havoc on our happiness until we have the courage to turn inward and shine a light within.
We are always a key player in our patterns.
We're not responsible for others, we're not to blame for how they showed up (or didn’t). But we are responsible for our inner-world and whether or not we unwind from our conditioning, or if we continue to run from it by placing all of the fault externally while ignoring the role we have to play.
We do this work gently yet powerfully, without shame or judgement. Only clear intention and willingness to transform.
This week, I'm sharing a few ways to begin turning toward your own patterns 💕
Inside Today’s Newsletter:
🎙️ Latest Interview with Devi Brown: The Four Seasons of Heartbreak
📱Instagram: On choosing yourself, the old wounds love can bring to the surface, and the gift of a partner who wants to be your friend.
✍️ A Practice + Journaling Prompts: To explore the relationship patterns that keep showing up and meet the part of you that's been trying to keep you safe.
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🎙️ Recent interview with Devi Brown on Deeply Well:
The Four Seasons of Heartbreak
🕊️ Latest Instagram Posts
✨ Practice for the Week: Meeting the Pattern Within
When the same frustration keeps showing up across different relationships, it can feel like it's happening to us. A partner pulls away and we feel that familiar sting. Someone forgets something that matters and an old story starts playing. The people change, and the feeling underneath often stays the same. This practice helps you meet that familiar feeling in your body, so you can get to know the part of you that shows up in these moments.
Many of us learned to look outward when love gets hard, searching for what the other person did or didn't do. When we turn toward what's happening inside us, we start to see our own part in the pattern with more clarity and compassion.
Set aside about ten minutes and find a space where you won't be interrupted.
Step 1: Settle. Find a comfortable seat or lie down. Rest one hand on your belly and take a few slow breaths, letting each exhale be a little longer than the inhale.
Step 2: Arrive. Feel the places where your body meets the ground. Your feet, your seat, your back. Let your face relax and your belly release.
Step 3: Remember. Bring to mind a pattern that has shown up in more than one of your relationships. Choose a single moment that feels manageable to revisit and let it come into your minds eye.
Step 4: Notice. Feel where this moment lands in your body. Maybe a heaviness in your belly, heat in your face, a sinking in your chest, or tension in your throat. Rest your attention there for a few breaths.
Step 5: Recognize. Gently ask yourself, "When have I felt this before?" Let any memories or images arise without chasing them. Notice how familiar this feeling is and how far back it might go.
Step 6: Listen. Place a hand over the area where you feel the sensation most. Ask it, "What are you trying to protect me from?" or “What do you want me to know?”Let an answer come as a word, an image, or simply a feeling.
Step 7: Acknowledge. Say to this part of you, silently or out loud, "I see you. I know you've been trying to keep me safe." Notice how your body responds.
Step 8: Return. Take a few breaths and widen your attention to your whole body. Open your eyes and look around the room. Notice how you feel now compared to when you began.
If anything feels like too much at any point, open your eyes, feel your feet on the floor, and come back to your breath.
Each time you meet an old pattern in your body, you get to know yourself a little better. Over time, that awareness gives you more choice in how you show up with the people you love.
Journal Prompts: Exploring Your Relationship Patterns
Think about your past and current relationships. What frustrations or dynamics keep showing up, even with different people?
When I feel hurt or disappointed in a relationship, what is my first reaction? Where do I feel it in my body?
What do I tend to believe about myself when conflict or distance shows up with someone I care about?
Have I ever hoped a new partner would solve something I was struggling with? What was I longing for?
In moments of tension with a partner, what do I usually do, say, or avoid?
Which of my relationship habits feel familiar from childhood or my family growing up?
What part of myself feels hardest to look at when it comes to how I show up in love?
What is one small step I could take this week to respond to an old pattern in a new way?
If an old pattern has been showing up for you lately, see if you can get curious about it this week. Notice where it tends to appear, how it feels in your body, and what story comes along with it.
Every time you turn toward it, you're doing the inner work.
Love,
Shay 💕