Hi friend,
After nearly a decade of conscious relationship work, I’ve noticed that one of the things that creates the most disappointment in relationships is having unrealistic or unexpressed expectations of how relationships should look.
When we enter a relationship we naturally carry dreams and ideas of how things might unfold… how our partner should show up, how conflict should feel, how often we should feel connected, and what being with the “right person” should be like.
And when reality doesn’t match those expectations, it can be easy to wonder:
Is something wrong with us?
Is something wrong with the relationship?
Did I choose the wrong person?
But relationships are rarely as simple as we imagine them to be.
Even in a deeply loving, healthy relationship, there will be conflict. There will be moments of disconnection. You will misunderstand each other. You will disappoint each other. Your partner will sometimes fail to show up in the way you hoped they would.
When I first met my husband Ben, I had even written down in my journal exactly how I wanted our conflicts to look.
And yet, our work to do was still there waiting for us, and I had to quickly let go of my expectations that the work wouldn’t be there if I was with the “right person”.
Managing expectations doesn’t mean diminishing our hopes or settling for less... rather, it’s an invitation to approach love with openness and flexibility, allowing each person to show up fully as they are.
Here are some realistic expectations to carry with you into relationship:
Relationships should be safe, respectful and loving
Relationships will have conflict, and we won’t always show up the way we want to
Our partner will not meet all of our needs 100% of the time
Both partners should have a willingness and a desire to love each other better and grow together in love
No matter how much “inner work” we do prior to entering a relationship, we begin a new journey when we enter partnership.
Love isn’t about finding a relationship that perfectly matches the picture we had in our heads.
It’s about being willing to meet the relationship as it is, and allowing it to teach us how to love more deeply.
Inside Today’s Newsletter:
🎥 New YouTube Video: How to Build Self Trust for Better Relationships
🎙️ Podcast Episode: Why You’re Attracted to the Wrong People — And How to Break the Pattern on The Mastery Experience
🌙 New Moon in Libra Report: A Deeper Look at Relationships
📱Instagram: On true friendship, kindness, the animals we love, and starting over after heartbreak
✍️ A Practice + Journaling Prompts: Meeting Your Expectations, plus questions to explore how they shape your relationships
🎥 Check out my latest YouTube Video
🎙️ The Mastery Experience with Francesca Sipma
🌑 Check out our recent astrology report
🕊️ Latest Instagram Posts
✨ Practice for the Week: Meeting Your Expectations
We all carry pictures of how love should look and how our partners should show up. Many of those pictures formed long before we met the people we love.
This practice helps you find where an expectation lives in your body and get to know the wish underneath it.
Set aside about ten minutes and find a space where you won't be interrupted.
Step 1: Settle. Find a comfortable seat or lie down. Rest your hands on your thighs or by your sides. Take a few slow breaths, letting each exhale be a little longer than the inhale.
Step 2: Arrive. Feel your body being supported by the chair, the floor, or the bed beneath you. Notice the sounds around you and the temperature of the air on your skin.
Step 3: Recall. Bring to mind a recent moment when you felt let down or disappointed by someone you care about. Choose a moment that feels manageable to explore today.
Step 4: Notice. Feel where the disappointment shows up in your body. Maybe your chest sinks, your throat tightens, your belly feels heavy, or your hands want to clench. Rest your attention there for a few breaths.
Step 5: Name the expectation. Ask yourself, "What was I expecting in that moment?" Let the answer come on its own time. You might finish the sentence, "I expected..." and see what follows.
Step 6: Find the wish. Now ask, "What was I hoping to feel?" Maybe it was loved, chosen, considered, or safe. Place a hand over the area where you feel this most and validate what this part of you is feeling.
Step 7: Support. See if you can spend some time with this part of you. What might it need from you? What does it want you to know? Stay as long as feels supportive, giving this part of you time to be heard.
Step 8: Return. Now take some time to close the practice. Widen your attention to your whole body. Open your eyes and look around the room. Notice how you feel now compared to when you began.
If anything feels like too much at any point, open your eyes, feel your feet on the floor, and come back to your breath.
Your expectations grew from a real longing to be loved. Each time you get curious about that longing, it becomes easier to understand how to support yourself and have your needs met.
Journal Prompts: Exploring Your Expectations in Love
What did I learn about love from the movies, stories, and relationships I grew up around?
What do I expect from a partner that I've never said out loud?
Think of a recent moment of disappointment in a relationship. What was I expecting in that moment?
Which of my expectations feel healthy and realistic? Which ones ask a partner to be someone other than who they are?
How do I usually express my needs? What fear comes up when I think about asking for what I want?
How am I showing up in my relationships right now? What would I like to bring more of?
What did I yearn for most when I was little? How could I offer that to myself, and to someone I love?
Underneath most of our expectations is a simple wish to feel loved and accepted. Your partner is carrying that same wish.
It's easy to forget when we're hurt or frustrated. All we can see is what they did or didn't do, and the story we've built around it.
Remembering that you both want the same thing can change the whole conversation. You start to see the person in front of you again, someone who wants to be loved well, just like you do.
Love,
Shay
P.S. Ask me anything! If you have a burning question for me, submit it here. It could become the inspiration for my next article, post, or video. :)