Hi friend,
When someone doesn’t like you or has a projection of you, do you try harder to win them over?
Do you feel deflated and show up at your worst around them to give them what they expect?
Do you pour yourself out attempting to change their mind about you?
Guess what? Not your job.
You’re not here to change peoples minds about who they think you are.
You don’t need everyone to like you or understand you. And it’s ok to set boundaries and protect your energy instead of over-extending.
When you obsess about getting someone to like or understand you, you are subtly abandoning yourself by putting your worth in their hands.
You don't need their approval. You don't have to pour yourself out to be a good person.
I used to make the mistake of leaning in over and over when people didn’t like me or shared their judgements.
I felt like I could help them heal by showing them my heart. But it never really worked because people see what they want to see to confirm their story.
(And most of the time it has absolutely nothing to do with you.)
Don’t let other people’s projections guide your behaviour.
Stay true to yourself, show up in your heart, be kind, but also don’t feel that you have to give more (or any) of your energy to people who won’t value it fully.
To live in alignment with our core values and our purpose, we need loving and clear people around us.
It’s ok to draw a line in the sand and close the door on relationships that feel unhealthy or that ask you to prove yourself.
Drawing the line in the sand is you taking a stand for your worth.
Inside this newsletter I've included a practice & some journaling prompts to help you feel where you're reaching for someone's approval, so you can call that energy back to yourself and stay rooted in your worth.
🌿 This Weeks Reflection
Every time you stop reaching for someone's approval, you hand that energy back to yourself.
✨ Practice for the Week: Calling Your Energy Back
When someone doesn't like you, or holds a version of you that isn't true, there's a pull to lean in and fix it. This practice helps you feel that pull in your body and bring your energy back to yourself, so you can stay in your heart without handing your worth to someone else.
Most of us feel the sting of being misjudged and immediately go to work. We rehearse what we'll say, we shrink ourselves to seem more agreeable, we replay the moment looking for the thing that will finally change their mind. This practice is a way to catch yourself in that reaching and come home before you give any more of yourself away.
Set aside about ten minutes and find a space where you won't be interrupted.
Step 1: Settle. Find a comfortable seat or lie down somewhere you feel at ease. Take a few slow breaths, letting each exhale be a little longer than the inhale.
Step 2: Arrive. Let your body come to rest. Feel the surface underneath you holding your weight. Let your shoulders drop and your jaw loosen.
Step 3: Recall. Bring to mind someone whose approval you keep reaching for, or who holds a version of you that doesn't feel true. Let the person come into focus enough that you feel a trace of it in your body.
Step 4: Locate. Notice where the reaching lives in you. Maybe it's a leaning-forward in your chest, a knot in your stomach, a restlessness in your hands. Place your attention there and keep it company for a few breaths.
Step 5: Name. Ask yourself what story you've been trying to correct. What is it you want them to finally see or understand about you? Let the answer come without judging it.
Step 6: Release. Picture that story in your hands. Imagine setting it down, or handing it back to the person it belongs to. Let them be wrong about you for now. Notice what happens in your body as you stop holding it up.
Step 7: Return. Feel the energy you were sending outward begin to come back toward you. Let it settle into your chest, your belly, your feet. This is your energy, and it gets to stay with you.
Step 8: Notice. Take a moment to feel how you sit now compared to when you began.
Calling your energy back takes practice, and there will be people who test it. Each time you notice the pull and choose to stay with yourself instead, you're taking a stand for your own worth.
Journal Prompts
Who are you still trying to win over? Write their name down and notice what happens in your body when you do.
What story do you think this person has about you? Where did you first learn that it was your job to correct how someone sees you?
Think of a time you poured yourself out to change someone's mind. What did it cost you, and did it ever actually work?
Where in your life do you keep reaching for approval you already know you won't get? What would you do with that energy if you stopped reaching?
When you imagine letting this person be wrong about you and walking away anyway, what comes up? Fear, relief, guilt, something else?
Whose love and respect do you already have? What would it feel like to give your energy to them instead of the people who make you prove yourself.
What would drawing your line in the sand look like this week? Name one concrete thing.
You can be kind and still stop bending yourself for people who won't meet you.
The ones who want to misread you will find a way, no matter how much of yourself you hand over. That's not yours to fix. Your job is to stay honest, stay in your heart, and keep your energy for the people who actually value it.
Let them think what they think. Draw your line and mean it.
That line is you deciding your worth is not up for debate.
Love,
Shay 💕
P.S. If you find yourself questioning your worth in relationships, abandoning your needs, or working harder to be loved, my book Becoming the One can help you understand the patterns that keep you stuck and return to the truth of who you are.
This book is a journey of healing the past, building a secure relationship with yourself, and learning to experience love without losing yourself in the process.